I’ve had a very excellent Christmas this year, full of celebration and reflection. Thinking of the person I was and the person I have become led me to reread many of the posts on my “myspace blog”. I read the self-righteous and venomous words that scorched the pages (or rather the screen, I suppose), and could not believe that those were my thoughts.
And yet, I do lament the amount of spiritual messages, the outpouring of my psyche from the chaos, that I experienced then and do not seem to experience now. Post after post of prophesy screaming to me from my subconscious self misunderstood and misinterpreted! That screaming has quieted, perhaps because I’ve heard and understood. I need to focus on remembering to hear myself now, even when all feels well and the screaming is reduced to pleasant murmuring. It’s too easy to forget the murmur.
One post that especially resonated within me was the day I had had a strange outburst in the shower, and cried out, “You should not bear the cross for he who dies upon the stone!” At the time, it was merely a thought that came to me and I didn’t understand what I meant. I didn’t understand where it came from. I just knew that it was true.
I later imagined I had meant that I shouldn’t take responsibility for a former friend of mine when I felt she had sacrificed herself to her hedonistic drives. I thought that this meant I should tear myself from her and end the friendship, that I ought not to be a martyr and sacrifice my well-being for this individual. This is what I did (terribly self-righteously!).
But now I’m re-investigating the interpretation of this phrase and I’ve found that both parts of this phrase (the cross and the stone) are unmistakably Christian. The Stone is not “pagan”, but rather represents the foundation of the Church, which are the teachings of the Anointed One. I’ve even found a Biblical verse which seems to reflect the phrase exactly:
“And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder.” -Matthew 21:44.
And the cross I should not bear was not literally carrying another’s burden, but rather following a leader who was unable to withstand the stone, the teaching, his own ideas, who was false and a hypocrite… Myself. And not only myself! It was a call to examine the nature of my reality more closely, to look at things carefully before making quick judgements.
This call came out again and again. And again and again I misunderstood and misinterpreted, redirecting personal responsibility and believing that everyone in the world was either stupid or evil, and that I myself remained uncorrupted and aloof.
I’m not sure where exactly I’m going with this. I certainly don’t feel this way anymore, and furthermore, I don’t feel like I have anything to prove when it comes to my own spirituality. I’m not wary of sounding neo-pagan, and I’m not worried about sounding Christian. I’m not concerned that others will misunderstand me and classify me as a madman.
Spirituality to me is merely one way of expressing in figurative language all of the truths that I cannot name, and if I use metaphors others have used, it’s no different than using a language another has invented to communicate the commonplace happenings of my Experience.
And I think that is the substantial difference between the I that was and the I that is.