I’m trying, sometimes with great difficulty, to understand who I am, where I’m going, and what the journey signifies. More often than not I feel like I’m not anything, that what I think I am is a construct of all those things I wish I was. And I guess one of the things I wish I was is permanent and not of such a transient nature. I wish I had some sense of spirituality, but whenever my mind caresses that sphere, I feel that it is false. I want to find my way again, to know myself and my thoughts, to understand what I believe in. If I believe in the spirit, I want to know that I believe in it and not that I am succumbing to a comfortable myth. And if I believe that death is annihilation, then I want to embrace that and to not be afraid in acknowledging that I don’t believe in the myth of the spirit. But I oscillate between the desire for belief and unbelief. I have no faith even in faithlessness.
I want to begin to look into all religions, to find what greater Truth all of these beliefs have in common. I feel that if I can study these things, I will be able to discard aspects that I disagree with and narrow my search for meaning in this way. Maybe the only way I can find out what I am is by eliminating what I am not.